can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
