if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
