Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
