i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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