I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
