what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
