OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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