Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
