either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And then my night got REAL pukey
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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