dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
