Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
