I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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