It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
