i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
