i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
