he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
