you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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