Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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