So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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