You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
