update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
