Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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