I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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