my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
