you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you traded sex for a burrito?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
