So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
