Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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