she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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