I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
