It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
