i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
