I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
