dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
