We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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