every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
