I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
