if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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