he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
