I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
