on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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