Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
