He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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