Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
