god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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