I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize