it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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