lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
