I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
