Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
