my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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