Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
