This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize