ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
