Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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