Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize