i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
