Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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