she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
