How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
