Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
