i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
