I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
