Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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