this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
