How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
