on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
