U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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