question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We need to get me chipped asap
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
