There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
