so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
