there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
